


Whenever, wherever (come back to me)

by spicyomelette



Category: SEVENTEEN - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Childhood Friends, Confused Wen Jun Hui | Jun, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, possessive wonwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:13:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25665715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyomelette/pseuds/spicyomelette
Summary: “I want to catch you whenever you fall, Junnie,” Wonwoo said.“What if I never fall? I’m going to spread my wings and fly. And never come down,” he said back in a challenging tone.Wonwoo took a slow breath. The smile was breathtaking.“I’ll stay on the ground and wait until your wings give out.”It was the cheesiest line Junhui had ever heard. But he also knew it was no less true.*Junhui had wanted to be a father since he was four. Wonwoo knew he wouldn't be one since he was fifteen.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 60





	Whenever, wherever (come back to me)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a long time ago, back when I was still super active in fandom. My writing style back then was also different (I still diligently used the past tense, for one). I made some necessary changes and proofread the whole thing. I might've missed some things, though, so I apologise for the remaining grammatical mistakes. 
> 
> I was told this gets quite angsty. You might want to prepare some tissue, just in case :) 
> 
> Happy reading!

If Junhui was to pick one person he admired the most, that person would be his very own father. Junhui admired his father so much that his greatest dream in life was to be a father, just like his.

He could still remember those late afternoons in which his father would take him to the public park near their house. They would play catch, or just had a stroll while they talked about everything under the sun. On their way back, his father would get him ice cream, lemon mint flavour, double scoops. Sometimes his father would piggyback him all the way home. The images from those days were still vivid in his memory. Back when his father was still that energetic family man, when old age was yet to approach the youthful zest. Junhui would treasure those days forever. The late afternoon escapades with his father were one of the many reasons he and his father were so close. They were best friends, and if there was anyone who understood Junhui unconditionally, it would be no other than the older Mr. Wen.

When little Junhui so enthusiastically stated to his father about his greatest dream, Mr. Wen had merely chuckled and ruffled his little boy’s hair affectionately.

“Daddy! One day, I’ll be a great father just like you!”

“Sure you will, Junhui.”

Little Junhui had always been an affectionate kid. His father always told him that to get a friend, you had to be a friend first. If you wanted someone to like you, you had to be someone who was likable first. Everything started with yourself. And Junhui firmly held onto that belief.

That was why he had always smiled sincerely to everyone, and let everyone know that he was likable, that he was a good friend. Little Junhui had never had difficulties in getting himself a friend. In fact, he had lots of them. After all, his father was right. Everyone loved Junhui because he had a bright and sincere smile, and he was never someone who would wait for a second to lend a hand to anyone who needed it.

In his first year in Kindergarten, Junhui befriended a cute little boy who appeared to be a fellow new student. This one particular new student was sitting, or rather, hiding under the ginkgo tree next to the Kindergarten building, while the other new students were gathered in the hall for new school year ceremony. Little Junhui had been on his way back to the hall, having just paid a visit to the boys’ restrooms, when he noticed the figure of a little boy sitting alone under the tree from the corridor. So instead of going back to the hall, he had made his way toward the tree, approaching the little boy. Because a boy as little as that was not supposed to be sitting alone outside. Apparently, little Junhui’s big brother streak had kicked in. And he didn’t even regard the fact that he himself was yet to reach five and just as tiny.

The boy was indeed cute, with rosy cheeks, and a pair of really nice looking lips which turned downward, set into a pout. Junhui had put up his most disarming smile and reached out a hand to the little boy, cheerfully saying, “Hi there, I’m Junhui”, which, surprisingly, only got a scowl in return. But Junhui didn’t back down just like that, and settled himself next to the boy instead.

“What are you doing out here alone? All new kids are supposed to be in the hall, the opening ceremony has already started, you know?” he prodded good-naturedly.

“Opening ceremony is stupid.” Junhui heard the little boy muttered under his breath.

“Why so?” asked Junhui, sincerely curious. He personally loved attending the opening ceremony. There would be a lot of singing, and some other performance from the kids and teachers. Plus, there were snacks too. Of course, he didn’t like the speeches part, but the singing and dancing and snack made up for the boring speeches anyway.

“It’s just stupid,” the little boy insisted, refusing to look at Junhui in the eye.

“Hm. Is that why you choose to hide here?” asked Junhui lightly.

“I’m not hiding,” denied the little boy.

“Then what are you doing? Talking to the aliens?”

At that, the little boy turned and stared at Junhui with an odd look.

“You believe in aliens? But Dad said they don’t exist,” said the boy with a frown.

“Why of course I do,” said Junhui confidently. “Daddy said it hasn’t been confirmed that there is no life outside planet Earth, so there is a possibility that aliens exist.”

The little boy’s eyes lightened up in understanding before he finally nodded.

“I guess so…,” he trailed off.

“I know so,” Junhui said with a grin. “What’s your name? I’m Junhui.”

This time, the boy accepted the hand Junhui was extending.

“Wonwoo.”

*

Junhui and Wonwoo grew closer to each other as the years went by. And while Junhui had his large circle of friends, since he was naturally a really sociable boy, Wonwoo kept to himself more and didn’t actually hang out around anyone except Junhui. Junhui had been kind of worried about this and had numerously tried to get Wonwoo to tag along on his play dates with his other friends, only to be turned down rather spitefully. Wonwoo was more content being around his PSP and his other gaming devices while Junhui was away socialising and being the active schoolboy he was. 

Wonwoo was not good at sharing though. Junhui had noticed early into their friendship that Wonwoo had an irrepressible possessive streak. The boy was fierce in protecting what he regarded as his. He wouldn’t let anyone get a hand on his belongings, and it had taken months before Junhui was allowed to borrow his PSP. For years, Junhui was the only one who got the privilege of taking a dip on his packed lunch, tasting his mum’s heavenly dumplings. Wonwoo was possessive over things he considered his, yet he was willing to share as long as it was Junhui.

It had only taken a few years before Wonwoo started to view Junhui as one of those. And it was in their third year in elementary school when Wonwoo deliberately pushed one of their female classmates, making her fall and scrap her knee. All because she had hugged Junhui during PE and Wonwoo happened to notice. The girl ran to their teacher to report what happened, crying, but Wonwoo refused to explain to their teacher why he had pushed her.

Junhui had been the one who apologized, and the teacher kindly withdrew her intention on calling Wonwoo’s parents.When Junhui asked Wonwoo why he did that after the teacher had left them, Wonwoo stated matter-of-factly that it was because he didn’t like seeing Junhui hugging the girl.

“You never hugged me, Junnie,” said Wonwoo, staring kind of challengingly at him.

And Junhui laughed and threw himself onto his friend, pulling him into a hug. Junhui assured Wonwoo he would get a lot of hugs from him from that day on, and that Wonwoo was not allowed to push anyone for getting close to Junhui, because he would always be the one Junhui was closest to.

“It’s not nice to push people, Wonwoo. Don’t do that again, okay?”

“Hn.”

Wonwoo only nodded as Junhui tightened his arms around his best friend.

Junhui kept his words, and Wonwoo never pushed anyone anymore. As the years passed, Junhui had grown really fond of his friend, and thought Wonwoo was really adorable despite his snarky nature.

Wonwoo’s possessive streak toward Junhui kicked in again on their last day of middle school.

It was their graduation day, and before the graduation ceremony began, a girl from a few classes down had called him out to talk. Wonwoo had apparently seen the two of them making their way to the back of the gym, away from the crowd, because when the girl was just about to voice out her true intention for calling Junhui back there, which Junhui actually no doubt knew already, Wonwoo suddenly appeared out of nowhere and rushed to Junhui, throwing his arms around him.

“Junnie, I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” he said rather loudly, and successfully cutting the girl out before she could actually confess.

The girl, obviously embarrassed by Wonwoo’s sudden appearance, hurriedly apologised and excused herself without managing to tell Junhui about her feelings.

“What was that for, Wonwoo?” asked Junhui without the presence of an actual annoyance as Wonwoo broke the hug.

Junhui knew he was never able to get actually angry with this boy in front of him, so he was not even trying. Besides, he was not planning on accepting the girl’s confession. He just felt sorry that the girl hadn’t gotten around to actually confessing because of Wonwoo’s barging in. He knew confessing required a great deal of courage and determination despite having never confessed to anyone himself.

The look Wonwoo was giving him was one that he never saw before. Junhui couldn’t decipher what that look meant, but it sent a shiver down his spine nonetheless. Those dark eyes looked even darker from the way they were looking past Junhui’s, right through his soul.

But suddenly, the look dissolved into a devilish grin.

“What, Junnie? Don’t look at me like that. I just saved you from that girl.”

“Oh you-”

Junhui reached out his hands to pinch his friend’s cheeks.

“What the hell, Jun?!”

Wonwoo swatted Junhui’s hands away from his face. Junhui knew his friend hated it when people pinched his cheeks.

“That’s your punishment for ruining my chance to get a date,” said Junhui as he made his way back to the school field.

Wonwoo didn’t chase after him, like what Junhui presumed he would do. And when it was time to leave, Junhui had to search the entire school for his friend, because they always went home together, only to find Wonwoo lounging on one of the beds in the infirmary.

“Hey. I’ve checked the entire school looking for you,” said Junhui with mock irritation, diploma in one hand, and a bag full of graduation gifts in the other.

“I know,” said Wonwoo softly, looking at Junhui from between his lashes. A small smile, not the usual devilish smirk, gracing his deceivingly angelic face. “You wouldn’t leave without me.”

Junhui lied down next to his best friend on the bed, looking at him curiously.

“What is it? Is something bothering you?”

Wonwoo sat up, crossing his legs, so now he was face to face with Junhui. His eyes spotted the bag full of gifts for a flash second before they were set back on Junhui.

“Always with the larger number of fans, aren’t you?” he commented flippantly, though to Junhui’s ears it sounded more like resentment.

“Hey! It’s not my fault that people love me, you know,” he defended indignantly.

Wonwoo nodded solemnly.

“Yeah. Not your fault,” said Wonwoo in agreement. Then the usual smirk made an appearance. “But out of all those people, I’m always number one.”

Junhui smacked Wonwoo’s upper arm lightly.

“You’re too smug for your own good, Wonwon.”

“But it’s true,” Wonwoo stated matter-of-factly, but the next second Junhui could see the anxiety in those pair of dark eyes. “It is, right?” Wonwoo then asked uncertainly.

For a second Junhui felt a tug on one of his heartstrings. He didn’t know why. But he did know that it was true as he said “Of course,” and launched his arms forward to pull his best friend into a hug.

Getting a date was so much less important than being with his best friend and feeling him secure in his arms. After all, it was him who said it first, Wonwoo would always be the one he was closest o. Always.

*

They went to the same high school, but were put in different classes. Junhui had been worried. How was he supposed to leave his best friend alone? He was Wonwoo’s only friend! But he assured himself that Wonwoo would be fine. It was not like he had always stuck to Junhui at school, since Junhui had his other friends, ones that were loud and obnoxious, though not in a bad way, since Junhui would never befriend bad people. 

They made up for the time they spent separately during school by spending hours hanging out with each other. Numerous sleepovers, bazillions of games, and long talks about whatever that came to mind, and since they spent more hours being away from each other, there were lots of things to talk about.

One day, Junhui told Wonwoo about his dreams, and of course, his greatest dream.

“I want to be a father, just like my dad,” he said to Wonwoo, lying on his stomach with elbows propping himself up as his best friend flipped the page of the suspense novel he had been reading. “I want to have kids and see them grow up and teach them to be good people.”

“You sound so old,” commented Wonwoo, not tearing his eyes away from his novel.

“Hey!” Junhui playfully smacked Wonwoo’s side with one hand. “That is a sensible dream. Besides, every man will be a father at one point in their life.”

“Yeah. Whatever you say, Junnie,” said Wonwoo, yet with that non-caring tone that, if Junhui hadn’t been used to hearing, would irk him to the point of wanting to suffocate the guy.

“Hey! Don’t you want to have kids when you’re old enough?” he asked with a pout.

Wonwoo finally lowered his novel and turned his head to face Junhui.

“I don’t think I will.”

“Why?” asked Junhui, sincerely confused.

“I won’t have kids,” said Wonwoo slowly, with this strange expression Junhui couldn’t really read through. “Not unless someone finds some way to get a guy pregnant.”

Junhui was at a loss of words for a while, trying to process what his best friend had just said to him.

“What do you mean?” he finally asked after a painfully long silence.

“What do you think I mean?” Wonwoo asked back.

Junhui sat up so that their eyes were level. 

What had Wonwoo just said? Was it really what he thought he heard?

“You’re attracted to guys?” Junhui managed to voice out cautiously.

“If I say I am, are you going to judge me?” Wonwoo asked with an even tone, keeping the eye contact between them. Junhui was not sure if the apprehension in Wonwoo’s eyes was a trick of the light.

*

It took some time, but Junhui finally came around. It had not been easy, accepting the fact that your best friend was _different_.

His reaction had not been anything near extreme, if he had reacted at all. All he had done after hearing Wonwoo’s confession about his preference was stare at him, and kept on staring. It was Wonwoo who suggested that he take some time to figure out how he felt about it.

“I thought I should tell you anyway,” Wonwoo had said before he told Junhui to go home. “You matter to me, Jun.”

Later, Junhui decided it didn’t matter. Because what mattered more was that Wonwoo was Wonwoo, the little boy he had first met under the gingko tree at the kindergarten’s yard, the one who had agreed with him that aliens did exist, the one who was now not so little anymore. Wonwoo was Wonwoo; what gender he preferred could not define him. Wonwoo was always more than that. Wonwoo was Junhui’s precious friend. He would always be.

*

High school introduced Junhui to another thing that soon became his other greatest dream besides being a father: photography. He met this quirky senior from the photography club named Joshua, who turned out to know his way around cameras far more than what normal high school students were supposed to, and, all the quirks aside, Junhui found him really, really cool.

Getting his father to buy him a camera was not all that hard. All Junhui needed to do was to promise that he would make the best of the device. And, of course Junhui would, he told his father. He was going to use the camera to learn to take the best pictures, and Joshua was surprisingly (or not) a really good teacher.

It hadn’t taken long before he managed to coerce Wonwoo into being his personal model, for free, of course. Though Wonwoo didn’t really do the pose for the camera thing, since Junhui practically took pictures of almost everything the other was doing.

“Will you stop that?” said Wonwoo in irritation, since Junhui hadn’t stopped taking his pictures while he was working on his homework.

Junhui grinned sheepishly and lowered his camera, for once fully showing his face to his friend.

“You know, you look really good through the camera lens, Wonwon.”

“I damn well know that. But please. I need to concentrate and the sound of your camera clicking gives me the creeps.”

Junhui pouted and stepped down from Wonwoo’s bed, but didn’t stop taking pictures. Soon, Junhui’s room was full of the photographs he took. There were pictures of his school mates, the high school buildings, his teachers, his parents. But mainly Wonwoo.

Wonwoo had raised one eyebrow the first time he noticed that Junhui had started putting his pictures along with the others on the shelves at one side of his bedroom wall. The previous occupants of the shelves had been discarded to provide space for all the picture frames, but Wonwoo hadn’t mentioned anything.

Junhui got a photo frame from Wonwoo on his birthday that year. He put his picture with Wonwoo taken on the night of his birthday on it, and had the frame displayed on his nightstand.

*

“You still have this,” said Wonwoo one night when they had a sleepover at Junhui’s house.

Junhui turned to look at what Wonwoo was referring, and he smiled realizing Wonwoo was looking at the picture of the two of them, the one taken on his birthday two years earlier, displayed in the frame Wonwoo had given him.

“It was from you,” he said softly. “Of course I still have it.” He continued preparing the bed for the two of them as Wonwoo looked around his bedroom. Junhui was not looking at his friend’s face, but he knew Wonwoo was smiling. He quietly smiled to himself. Why wouldn’t he keep a gift from his best friend?

*

As another year of high school started, having used to the antisocial and loner Wonwoo, Junhui was kind of surprised to find his childhood friend among his own group of friends at school. Wonwoo, though still the detached boy and game maniac that he was, looked comfortable as he listened to and laughed along with them. The bizarre thing was that Junhui couldn’t understand why it made him a little lonely, since he had a larger circle of friends himself.

They went to school together, just like in elementary school and middle school, since their houses were only a few blocks apart. But since now Wonwoo had his own group of friends, he spent his free periods and lunch breaks with them. He would go home with Junhui if neither of them had appointments or group works after school. But with Wonwoo’s workload and Junhui’s club activities, it got harder and harder. When Junhui realized it, he had been going home alone more often than not.

It was strange, getting used to not having Wonwoo trailing behind him. The guy had always been the one dependant on Junhui, and Junhui was secretly glad for the fact. Because Wonwoo made him feel dependable, that when his best friend had now become independent and comfortable among crowds, he felt lost.

He missed Wonwoo. But it was not fair of him and he couldn’t blame Wonwoo for that. Junhui wondered when he had become so selfish.

That was how Junhui found himself outside Wonwoo’s classroom on lunch break one day, having hurried his way from his class on two floors below, ditching his friends and declining all the girls' offers to have lunch with them. Having been the most popular guy since middle school years, Junhui was so used to the staring and flirting that he casually shrugged it off.

When Wonwoo noticed Junhui, he immediately walked toward the door, all the way wearing this surprised yet pleased expression, though now it was more guarded that all other people who didn’t know Wonwoo as well as Junhui did would only notice the usual cool look he always put on.

“Junnie?” There was a hint of a smile on Wonwoo face.

“Let’s eat lunch together?”

Junhui didn’t know why he sounded so hopeful, but as he was sitting with Wonwoo at the cafeteria, he decided that it didn’t matter.

“What happened to your friends?” asked Wonwoo.

“Ditched them. I want to eat with you,” said Junhui without tearing his eyes from his food.

He heard Wonwoo chuckle.

“You missed me that much?”

_Of course I do, you idiot_. But Junhui didn’t say it out loud, and chose to chew on his food religiously instead. There was no need to boost Wonwoo’s already too big ego.

Later as Wonwoo walked Junhui to his classroom, Wonwoo touched his upper arm lightly and smiled.

“Tomorrow, just wait for me at the cafeteria, alright? No need to walk up and down the stairs to my class. The cafeteria is on your floor anyway.”

Just like that, and Junhui already forgot about all the things that had been bothering his mind.

*

Maintaining a balance between his studies, club activities, socialising, and spending time with Wonwoo was a little tricky, but Junhui managed. And Junhui decided his teenage days could not be better than this. His grades were above average, he got lots of friends, he was training to be a photographer, and he still got Wonwoo. They had gotten back to old tradition, spending time at each other’s place whenever they got the time, kicking each other’s ass on video games and occasional board games, having countless sleepovers. Life couldn’t get better.

Until one day his mother not so discreetly inquired whether he had a girlfriend, saying in what appeared to be a casual comment how Junhui never invited any girl to their house even though he was already in his final year of high school. And that made Junhui think. Because Junhui honestly never thought about that before. He had never thought about getting into a relationship, despite all the girls that would literally do anything to be his girlfriend. He did date. He would go out with one girl or another sometime. But it was just a date, nothing more. Now he started thinking if he should get serious and find himself a girlfriend. 

Junhui later decided to ask Wonwoo’s opinion on that matter, which turned out to be a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

Because the moment Junhui asked Wonwoo if he should find a girlfriend since his mother seemed to want him to have one, Wonwoo’s expression turned grave. His dark eyes became darker, and Junhui could almost, _almost_ sense the rage behind those eyes, despite not knowing what had set it off.

“So, you will get yourself a girlfriend because your mum wants you to have one.” It was not a question. More like an accusation with an underlying hurt that Junhui couldn’t figure out why.

“Not just because my mum. Well, alright. It’s because my mum mentioned it that I started thinking about it. But I do think I should find a girlfriend. What are you mad about anyway?”

Junhui regretted saying that the moment he caught the look on Wonwoo’s face.

“Wonwoo? Seriously, did I say something wrong? I don’t understand, why are you – “

“You’re mine, Junhui.” It was said almost like a growl, and Junhui didn’t know what surprised him more, what Wonwoo just said or how he’d said it.

“You can’t go out with anyone. Not a girl. I won’t allow that.”

“Wha- “

And the next thing Junhui knew, Wonwoo was pushing him to the nearest wall and kissing him full on the mouth. His immediate reaction was to stay frozen. His brain suddenly stopped functioning. He couldn’t process what was happening.

His ability to think came back when he felt Wonwoo shoving his tongue inside his mouth.

“Won-,” He mustered all the strength he had and pushed Wonwoo off him. “Wonwoo. Stop!”

He was breathing hard, out of shock and another thing he couldn’t name. It was not anger. Confusion? Junhui was not sure.

“What- what was that?” He asked, unconsciously wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“That was a kiss, Jun,” came Wonwoo’s calm answer. “I just kissed you.”

“I know it was a kiss,” he said, anger building up inside. “Why did you kiss me, that’s what I want to know.”

“BecauseI’ve wanted to do it for a while,” replied Wonwoo, still in his infuriatingly calm manner. Junhui found it strange, considering how angry he had been just a while ago.

“I told you I like guys, didn’t I?” Wonwoo went on. “You never figured out who, did you, Junnie?”

“You like me?” He asked in disbelief.

Wonwoo nodded. “Who else?”

“No. It can’t be.”

Wonwoo looked hurt. But Junhui was too shocked to care.

“Jun, I’ve always liked you.”

There was sadness in Wonwoo’s voice this time. But Junhui was too shaken to even register what was actually happening.

“I’ve liked you for a really long time. Even before I knew what it means to like someone. When I figured it out, I don’t even care that you’re a boy. All that matters to me is that it’s you, Junnie. I love you.”

No. This was not happening.

“I need to go.”

And the next second, Junhui rushed passed Wonwoo and ran away.

Junhui avoided Wonwoo like the plague after that. Wonwoo gave him five calls, three text messages, and an email, none of which Junhui responded to. One time Wonwoo went to see him at his house, and he pretended to be asleep. He was relieved that Wonwoo didn’t look for him at school. If he approached Junhui at school and forced him to talk, people would be curious. Junhui was grateful that Wonwoo was smart. 

It went on for weeks, his silent treatment to Wonwoo. Wonwoo never called or looked for him anymore, but Junhui’s insides was still a mess. It got worse when he received that one email from Wonwoo. It was short, simple, and oh so honest, that Junhui couldn’t decide which bothered him the most: that he believed in what his friend said in it, or that he couldn’t accept it even so.

How could he? Wonwoo was a boy. It was… unnatural.

But how could he make Wonwoo understand? He was okay when he found out that his friend liked guys. But he was not okay when _he_ was the one that his friend liked.

Wonwoo was a friend. A very dear one, but still a friend. And it would always stay that way. Well, he had hoped so. Now Junhui was not sure anymore.

*

_Junnie,_

_It’s too late to say I’m sorry now. Besides, I’m not sorry. Not for ruining our friendship, but for falling for you. I’m not sorry for loving you. And I refuse to believe that our friendship ends because of this. I know you’re not that kind of person, Junnie. I refuse to believe you are throwing away what we have from all the years we’ve spent together because of this._

_I’m still the Wonwoo you befriended a long time ago. I’m still your Wonwoo, Junnie. Nothing changed, except that now you know my feelings for you. And that won’t change either._

_Wonwoo_

After six weeks, Junhui finally mustered the courage the write an email to Wonwoo. Yes, it had been one month and a half, but he was not ready to face his friend and say it all out loud.

_Wonwoo,_

_I missed you. How have you been? Have you been doing well at school? Ah, I know I don’t need to worry about that. You have always been the smart one after all._

_I’m sorry this took me so long. I overreacted, I know. But I was shocked, alright? I never expected that to happen. Not between us. And Wonwoo, are you sure it was love you are feeling for me? I understand we are very close, we have been so close since we were little. And I’m the only one you’ve been close to, aren’t I? Are you sure you’re not mistaking your feeling of adoration for me as love? You have never been with any other guys after all._

_Wonwoo, please think it over, okay? I believe you’re just mistaking your feelings and taking it as love. Try to see someone else, meet other people. Then you will figure out that it's not love, what you feel toward me._

_Because I’m your Junnie, Wonwoo. Just like how you’ll always be my Wonwoo, I’ll always be your Junnie. Your friend, your brother. It will never change._

_Junhui_

_PS: I have a girlfriend now. Next time we meet, I want to introduce her to you._

Wonwoo never wrote back. But the next week after Junhui sent the email, Wonwoo appeared in front of his class during break, just when Junhui was talking with Hyejin, his girlfriend from the class next to his.

“Junhui.” Wonwoo regarded him, all cool and collected.

Wonwoo’s expression was unreadable, and he had his glasses on, so it was hard to see what was there in his eyes. Junhui was surprised and a bit late in reacting.

“Wonwoo?”

“Hi. It's been a while,” Wonwoo said, too polite to be natural, at least for Junhui. Then Wonwoo turned to Hyejin and offered her a smile and a small bow. “I believe you are Jun’s girlfriend? I’m Wonwoo from class 3-A, Junhui’s friend since childhood. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, Wonwoo. I’m Kim Hyejin,” said the girl, shaking Wonwoo’s hand.

Wonwoo turned back to Junhui. “I have something to discuss with you,” he said before asking Hyejin, “Do you mind?”

“Oh no, no. I need to go back to my class anyway. I have something I need to finish,” said Hyejin. “I’ll see you after school, Junhui.” She leaned forward to give a peck on Junhui’s cheek before waving to Wonwoo. “See you around, Wonwoo!” And then she was off to her class, leaving Junhui alone with Wonwoo.

Wonwoo still had that unreadable expression as he followed Hyejin with his eyes and then turned his attention back to Junhui. “Nice girl. You have a good taste,” he said. There was no venom in his words, but there was no feeling either. Just an empty comment, as if Wonwoo was unable to feel any emotion.

“Wonwoo, how have you been?” Finally Junhui could find his voice to ask.

Even the smile Wonwoo presented before him was empty.

“I’ve been doing great. Just found out I made it to the top of our year, actually. It will be announced before winter break.”

“Wow. That’s awesome! Congrats, Wonwoo!”

Junhui instinctively reached out his hands, but then stopping himself halfway when he realised what he was doing. He could not hug Wonwoo anymore. Not after what happened. Not after the kiss.

Only then Wonwoo showed the disappointment on his face, but only for a split second. The next moment he was smiling that fake smile again.

“I’ve thought about what you said,” he started. “For your information, I’m not confusing my feeling for love. And I’m sure of that. But I’ll follow your advice. I’ll go meet more people and find someone else. And you see how you will feel about that. You think you like that girl, don’t you? It’s not me who is confused about his feelings, Jun. It’s you.”

Wonwoo walked away after that, leaving a stunned Junhui behind.

True to his word, only a week after the talk with Junhui, Wonwoo created an uproar at school for getting caught kissing with another guy in class by a fellow student. There was no proof though, and with Wonwoo’s reputation and the other guy’s (apparently, Lee Jihoon was another genius from Wonwoo’s batch) convincing objection, stating that he and Wonwoo were just good friends, and the student only saw them from the wrong angle while they were discussing some math problem in class, the teachers believed the two. They even showed the math problem they’d been working on, so Junhui heard.

The school just let it pass. But Junhui knew it was true. He knew there was no doubt something between Wonwoo and that Lee Jihoon. And just to prove his suspicion, he saw the two of them a few days later.

Junhui almost never went to the school library if it was not for something really important like getting reference books or certain articles that could only be found in the library. While he enjoyed reading as a hobby, he preferred to study in his room rather than the library. It was such a coincidence that he needed to get this photography book from the library for their club activity (he was head of the photography club now, was chosen by Joshua before he graduated).

He was humming softly as he made his way to the art section. Right before he turned at the corner, his eyes caught sight of two male students lounging on a couch at the other end of the section. One was sitting with his feet propped on the table in front of the couch, and the other was on his back and had his head resting on the first boy’s lap, both reading. But then the other boy put his book down and said something to Wonwoo, whose head was on the other boy’s lap, and both of them were smiling at each other.

Suddenly there was this strange, sharp pain piercing Junhui’s chest watching that sight. Junhui should be feeling disgusted, but instead he realised that Wonwoo had a really beautiful smile, but he never smiled like that to Junhui anymore

*

Graduating high school was a big deal. It was, to Junhui. But instead of feeling happy and giddy like all other students in his year, Junhui was feeling on edge.

Wonwoo came up to his room the night before their graduation. Junhui was not expecting him to come. They rarely saw each other anymore, Junhui having his club activities and his girlfriend, and Wonwoo being always with Lee Jihoon, or with Lee Jihoon and his other friends. 

So Junhui was surprised when he heard a knock on his door and found Wonwoo.

“Hi, Junhui,” he greeted Junhui casually, making his way inside just like every other time he did, before the _incident_.

“Wonwoo? Why are you here?” asked Junhui with pure curiosity.

“I thought I should come and see you, since we’re graduating tomorrow,” Wonwoo explained, making himself comfortable on Junhui’s bed.

“Oh.”

He felt like an idiot, not understanding why he was this nervous before the presence of his childhood friend. Nothing had changed. Nothing, except the fact that they did. A lot of things changed between them. Things that Junhui himself couldn’t really pinpoint. Like how they were now more like strangers rather than best friends, for instance. And that Wonwoo was not this dependant little boy who trailed behind Junhui everywhere he went. Not anymore.

During his last months in high school, somewhere in between exams preparation and university admission, Junhui had kind of accepted the fact that there was this distance stretching between him and Wonwoo. It started after the confession, Junhui drifting further and further away from Wonwoo. And only now, less than twenty four hours before he would receive his high school diploma, a week and a half before he had to move in to his university residence hall, that Junhui realized how far away Wonwoo was from him. Even though in reality he was the one who pushed Wonwoo away. And it hit him hard how much he’d missed his friend.

But the distance between them was so conspicuous despite Wonwoo sitting merely three feet from him. It felt horribly wrong to be this close with his best friend, and to miss him this bad, but not being able to just close the distance and pull Wonwoo into his arms.

Hugging Wonwoo used to be second nature. Now just thinking about doing it made Junhui panic. Not that he didn’t want to, because _God, how he’d missed Wonwoo_ , but he couldn’t get himself to do it. Not without creating complications that he’d rather not discuss with Wonwoo. Or anyone for that matter.

Wonwoo was silently looking around his room, at the picture frames that were still on display everywhere, on the shelves, on the walls, on Junhui’s desk. Nothing really changed in his room after a few months, but Wonwoo still took his time to assess the surrounding. It was a habit he acquired since Junhui started getting into photography and started putting picture frames in his room.

When Wonwoo’s gaze stopped at the old picture frame on his nightstand, Junhui couldn’t help the warmth he felt seeing the look in his best friend’s eyes.

“I’m taking that one to my dorm,” he found himself saying.

He wanted Wonwoo to know that he was still one of the most important people in his life. Wonwoo would always be his best friend. Though Wonwoo wanted to be something else. Junhui tried his best to set that point aside.

“Aunty said you’re accepted in Chung-Ang University,” said Wonwoo after a prolonged silence. “I’m sorry I’m late to congratulate you. I’m glad you’re going to study photography at the best photography school in Korea.”

“Ah. Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling nervous without knowing why. Maybe because it was a rare case in which Wonwoo offered him his sincere acknowledgment. “Thanks. I wasn’t confident I’d get admitted at first, but Dad and the others told me to go for it.”

Wonwoo nodded. He appeared really solemn that Junhui didn’t know how to act. Yes, Wonwoo was aloof and often acted cold even around him, but Junhui could always break his standoffish demeanour due to the amount of time they had spent together which practically made Junhui understand his friend in and out. But this sullen teen before him felt so foreign that Junhui didn’t know what to do. But that didn’t stop him from trying. He was Junhui after all.

“What about you?” he asked. Junhui knew Wonwoo was applying to several different universities, and had told him he was confident Wonwoo would be accepted by all of them. This was before they stopped talking to each other.

“I got into Yonsei,” answered Wonwoo.

“Oh. Congratulations,” Junhui said, half awed. “Are you studying Literature, as you planned?”

“Yes. Double majoring in Business.”

“Oh wow. Always an overachiever. But I know you wouldn’t know what to do with all your free time if you’re only pursuing one degree, you genius idiot.”

“That’s an oxymoron,” Wonwoo pointed out.

Junhui flashed his best friend a cheeky grin. He couldn’t stop calling Wonwoo his best friend in his head, even though to tell the truth he was not sure about the current status of their friendship, what with the confession in Wonwoo’s part and silent treatment in Junhui’s, and the mutual detachment that followed. Wonwoo used to be a permanent part of his being, and Junhui decided he would always be.

A smile was present on Wonwoo’s face, and once again Junhui was struck by the realization of how much he’d missed that smile. He silently took in his best friend’s feature, assessing that pale face and dark, dark eyes. Wonwoo was _beautiful_. Even he didn’t have a hard time admitting that Wonwoo was really nice to look at. Junhui didn’t know how same gender’s relationships work, but he guessed attractiveness was a unisexual appeal. And Wonwoo wasn’t lacking in that department.

“Did your girlfriend comment on the number of pictures of me you got here?” asked Wonwoo, pulling Junhui back from his reverie.

Junhui looked around his room, and realised, yes, he had dozens of Wonwoo’s pictures. Wonwoo studying, Wonwoo laughing, Wonwoo talking, Wonwoo glaring at Junhui, Wonwoo posing for the camera, and Wonwoo just being Wonwoo. He never took notice of this before. But half of the pictures he got in his room were of Wonwoo. Well, Wonwoo was his best friend. It was normal to take lots of pictures of your best friend, right?

“Uh. She’s never been in here,” he told Wonwoo.

“Really?” There was a hint of surprise in Wonwoo’s voice. “Well, what are you going to say when she looks at them then?”

“Actually,” Junhui shifted a little on his seat, trying to not fidget, “we broke up a few days ago.”

They did. He and Hyejin were going to separate universities and both of them decided that it wouldn’t work, so they broke it off. No hard feelings. They were still friends now. And he told Wonwoo just that.

“Oh,” was Wonwoo’s comment after hearing Junhui’s explanation. “I guess that means you guys just don’t have strong enough feelings for each other to make it work.”

Junhui knew he was supposed to be offended. Wonwoo said it in such a matter of fact manner that it sounded even worse. But he also knew Wonwoo was right. He just didn’t care that much to try. He was sad that they broke up, but he didn’t regret it either. Besides, girlfriends come and go. He still had a long way ahead of him.

“What about you and Lee Jihoon?” he asked after that, recalling he was not the only one being involved with someone else. Wonwoo had always been seen with Lee Jihoon, and though everyone else saw them as best friends, Junhui just knew there was something else between them. Besides, he never forgot what Wonwoo had said to him months ago, about him seeing someone else. He just never stopped to think about what he felt about the whole matter. He kind of just accepted the fact that Wonwoo was seeing another guy. He didn’t want to figure out what he felt about the entire thing. When you had a girlfriend and a lot of other things to take care of, you found it quite easy to set aside things going inside your head.

“What about me and Jihoon?”

Junhui hadn’t expected Wonwoo to ask him back, so he was a little taken aback when Wonwoo did.

“Ah. Well, aren’t you two…” He didn’t know the right word to use. Together? Lovers? In a relationship?

“Dating?” Apparently, Wonwoo had a better word for it. “Who told you that we are?”

“Well, you two are always together.” _And I saw you two with my own eyes_ , Junhui didn’t add.

There was this strange smile on Wonwoo’s lips before he said, “Our relationship is not like that. Jihoon has someone he likes.” Wonwoo didn’t mention the ‘like I do’, but it was palpable in the air among them, the elephant in the room.

“I see.”

He didn’t have anything else to say. Then why did you two act like that around each other? Why did it seem to me that you were indeed together? Junhui decided to ignore those questions and a couple of other similar ones and shove them to the back of his mind.

Then there was silence.

Wonwoo was back looking at their old picture on Junhui’s nightstand. Junhui was looking at anywhere else but Wonwoo.

The awkwardness was killing him. But Junhui didn’t know what to say. It was ironic. Junhui had never run out of words before.

“Junhui,” Wonwoo finally said after several minutes that felt like a lifetime, “did you miss me at all?”

That question caught him off guard. He turned to face Wonwoo and found himself unable to look away. Never before Junhui found Wonwoo wearing that face. Wonwoo was trained in guarding his look. His emotions never betrayed his schooled expression. Never before Wonwoo looked at Junhui the way he was doing right now; sadness, hurt, longing all came into view in such intensity, out of control. It’s not because of a lack of trying in Wonwoo’s part. More like it all was too much for Wonwoo to hide under his façade.

And only because he knew Wonwoo so well that Junhui worked out all this.

Images of Wonwoo from their old days came to his mind. He saw all different reactions he could get out of his friend. Most of them are expressions of irritation or annoyance, and sometimes happiness. He remembered the way Wonwoo screamed when Junhui had pretended to drop his PSP, and how his friend had been relieved beyond belief when he had found out that Junhui hadn’t dropped it for real. He remembered how they had laughed so hard their stomachs hurt when they exchanged funny stories and told silly jokes about the people they knew.

It was always him, the one who could prompt various kinds of reaction from Wonwoo. It had always been him. But seeing Wonwoo with _that_ look and knowing it was him who caused it, Junhui couldn’t even describe how _bad_ it made him feel.

He just _couldn’t_ take it.

He leaned forward and, slowly, reached out a hand. Wonwoo was still looking at him with the most heart breaking expression he had ever seen in Wonwoo’s face, and everything else vanished. What was left was him and Wonwoo, and this urge to bring back the smile to his best friend’s face.

“So much,” he said softly as his hand rested on Wonwoo’s cheek, his fingers caressing the soft, pale skin under his palm. “I’ve missed you so much, Wonwon.”

And there it was, Junhui could literally feel the tightness in his chest loosen as Wonwoo smiled at him.

Wonwoo placed a hand on top of Junhui’s hand on his cheek, and Junhui noticed how Wonwoo’s palm was cold. Wonwoo leaned in and brought their faces closer. He could feel Wonwoo’s warm breath against his face, and those eyes were looking into his, questioning and searching, but keeping the slight distance between them.

In the end, it was Junhui who leaned in first.

Somewhere inside the logical part of his brain, he faintly heard an alarm going off, warning him that he shouldn’t be doing this. But it sounded too far away, and Wonwoo was so close, and warm, and _real_.

His other senses were gone. All that matter was the feeling of Wonwoo’s lips against his, of Wonwoo’s palm on his skin. Wonwoo’s touch was electrifying, the feeling of cool hands against his warm skin sent him tingling. Wonwoo was tugging his shirt off him and gave the same treatment to his own because apparently there were too much clothes between them. Then it was skin against skin and a heap of touching and kissing and more touching.

Somehow, he found himself on his back on the bed and Wonwoo was doing something with his mouth, and he was reduced to grunts and whimpers. But nothing prepared him for what was next, because he lost his coherency and what was left from his brainpower as he felt Wonwoo slowly, determinedly lowering himself, taking him in. It was _amazing_ and so many levels of wrong at the same time, and he was desperately holding on to his sanity as Wonwoo moved above him, beads of sweat glistening his pale skin, and _God, he was beautiful_ , it took Junhui’s breath away.

When he found his ability to move his limbs again, Wonwoo was already deep asleep half on top of him. He pulled the covers over their bodies and went to sleep himself.

Morning came, and so was Junhui’s common sense. The first thing that came out of his mouth upon waking up with Wonwoo still slumbering with his head on his shoulder was, “Oh, fuck.” and it woke Wonwoo up.

Things went downhill from there. 

After Wonwoo left, Junhui stayed in his room, feeling hurt and guilty, and so very confused about his own sexuality.  
  
*  
  
Wonwoo never looked for him after that, and Junhui spent his last week at home packing and restraining himself from replaying in his mind the things that happened between him and Wonwoo that night. The first was much easier than the latter.

Junhui had been mentally punishing himself for his loss of control that night, and questioning the reason why he had let that happen. But nothing made sense came up, and he decided to stop thinking about it before he went crazy.

That night was a mistake. A terribly stupid mistake. But everyone was deemed to make mistakes in their life. So Junhui decided the best thing he could do was make sure he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

His dad drove him to his university and helped him move his things to his dorm room. They sat on his newly made bed afterwards, talking about different kinds of things and recalling from the past.

“I’m so proud of you, Junhui,” said his dad before he left. “Keep doing your best, son, and don’t give up on the things that make you happy.”

When his dad’s car left the parking lot, Junhui found himself still wanting to be a great father like his father was. He still wanted his own son to bring up just like how his dad brought him up.

Nothing had changed, he told himself. His dream was still the same.

  
*  
  
University started, and Junhui found another girlfriend. She was smart, and nice to talk to, and always did these little things that left Junhui feeling touched, like waking him up every morning because she knew Junhui always forgot to set his alarm. It was his mum who had woken him up when he was at home. They were from different departments and only had two classes together, but Junhui somehow always found himself spending the evening together with her, either in the library studying or watching cheesy romantic comedies that they both loved. Sometimes Junhui would blurt out some silly comments about certain scenes, and she would laugh at his words. When she laughed, her eyes crinkled and there was a cute dimple on one of her cheeks, and Junhui thought maybe he was a little in love.

They had sex for the first time in Junhui’s dorm room, and it was kind of really good, though Junhui was a little surprised to find that she was rather loud and demanding in bed. And for some reason, he couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong. He couldn’t stop comparing her small and soft feature with someone else’s. Someone else with skinny wrist bones but a really strong grip. Someone else with lean, but undeniably hard body that fit perfectly against his. Someone else with pale, beautiful skin that glowed under the light of his bedroom. He gripped a little harder, and moved a little jerkier, and tried his best to get rid of all thoughts about his childhood friend from his mind.

The thing was, Junhui could not get rid of any thoughts about Wonwoo off his mind, no matter how hard he tried. And he thought _a lot_ about Wonwoo, it was frustrating. He convinced himself it was because of the sex. It was his first time, alright. Any straight guy would be having a similar crisis when their first time was with another guy.

But then at one point he stopped and asked himself, _who are you kidding?_

Because even he knew he never stopped thinking about Wonwoo. Ever. Since he met him under the tree in his kindergarten days. Making the sex as an excuse was a huge discredit to their friendship. The sex did play some part in his dilemma, but when he again asked himself whether he could stop thinking about Wonwoo if there had been no sex involved, Junhui knew the answer was no.

He started to doubt his sexuality then. Whether he was indeed attracted to guys the way Wonwoo was. It was a terrifying thought, and Junhui almost freaked himself out with the images of him having a romantic relationship with any of the guys in his class. Not to mention performing any sexual activity with them. Never mind that he simply could not imagine how his family would react if he were, indeed, gay. What would his mother say? She would probably be too shocked to say anything at first. Thinking about his dad’s disappointed face was too painful, so Junhui stopped the mental image at that.

But images of a certain childhood friend never left him, trailing along as he lived his daily life as a normal university student. What made it worse was when he was looking at a certain object through his camera lens before taking a picture of them, he would see Wonwoo. Moreover, there was always this ache deep in his chest that he eventually figured out as longing. It wasn’t tangible when he was doing his things during the day. But at night before he went to sleep, it would come close to the surface and almost suffocate him. Sometimes it was too much that he would eventually crumble and silently broke down on his pillow.

He missed Wonwoo, but he couldn’t do anything about it.  
  
  
*  
  
He saw Wonwoo again in June the following year.

He had taken Summer classes and only went home once a month since he entered university. Everything had gone quite well, and Junhui was quite proud of himself for doing a really good job at maintaining his grades and his relationship with his girlfriend in between all the thoughts about a certain childhood friend that kept coming into his mind at the most inconvenient occasions.

It was a long and painful process, but he finally figured out what he really felt for his childhood friend. He hated to admit that Wonwoo had been right all along, but it didn’t mean that he would do anything about that.

Yes, he might see Wonwoo as more than a friend. But no, he was not going to let Wonwoo know that. As a matter of fact, he was determined to keep it to himself and pretend it was not there. What happened in the past was a mistake, but he decided he didn’t regret it. At least he had something as a remembrance. A taste of something he couldn’t have. And if sometimes he touched himself in the shower with images of Wonwoo in his head instead of the girl he was supposed to be in love with, he really didn’t have anyone else to blame but himself.

So Junhui went about his university days being the good kid that he was, trying his best to be a great photographer and make his parents proud. He had a girlfriend and was one of the most popular freshmen among both his peers and seniors. And his greatest dream was building his own happy family and become a great father just like his dad.

It would have been so much easier if Wonwoo didn’t show up in front of his residence hall one evening in June with a box that looked suspiciously like a cake container in hand.

He had been in the library with his girlfriend. It was eleven in the evening and they were going back to his room. She had said something about celebrating together or something along that line. And then Junhui realised it was his birthday.

And there Wonwoo was, standing in front of his hall’s entrance, wearing that jacket he’d given as a birthday present some years before, and he wondered how it still fit him while he’d grown so much since they last saw each other.

“Hi,” Wonwoo said in greeting. He bowed politely to his girlfriend, and there was no resentment in those eyes even though he was sure Wonwoo knew what she was to him. He offered her a smile and greeted her politely.

“We always celebrate your birthday together,” Wonwoo told him, even though it sounded more like an explanation for his girlfriend since she had eyed the box in Wonwoo’s hand quizzically.

And it was true. Wonwoo had always been there in all of his birthday celebrations since he could remember. Wonwoo usually spent the night before his birthday at Junhui's and they would lie on his rooftop in sleeping beds, talking and watching the stars and making fun of each other. Last year they hadn’t done that. But Wonwoo had come in the afternoon to celebrate his birthday with his family, and Junhui remembered how happy and relieved he had been.

His girlfriend looked confused and a little hurt when he sent her away, and he mentally promised himself he would make it up to her the next day. But Wonwoo had come the night before his birthday, going through the one hour commuting time from his university, bearing a birthday cake and that smile Junhui had missed like crazy, even though he would never admit it to Wonwoo. Wonwoo hadn’t showed any objection of having her with them, but he hadn’t invited her to join them either. But Junhui knew there was no way he could have both Wonwoo and his girlfriend in his room.

They rode the elevator in silence. Things that happened on the night before his graduation came back to his mind and Junhui found himself gripping the sides of his jeans like a lifeline. He didn’t know what to expect from Wonwoo, who hadn’t said a single thing since his girlfriend left. He discreetly took a side glance at his childhood friend and noticed how he looked more mature but somehow still had that boyish trait in him. His hair was a different shade of brown, and the style was also different, and he couldn’t ignore how it looked really good on him.

“Why did you come without telling me?” Junhui asked Wonwoo five minutes later after trying but failing to get himself comfortably seated on his bed while Wonwoo set the cake on a makeshift table from one of Junhui’s folded chairs.

“It was supposed to be a surprise, Junnie,” answered Wonwoo calmly.

Wonwoo looked so calm and composed, and it disturbed him. He couldn’t figure out when his childhood friend had changed from the impulsive and possessive boy he had been to this – this strangely poised young man which, to tell the truth, scared him a little. The old Wonwoo would appear irritated and – he really didn’t like the way it sounded, jealous, and would demand him to confirm his position as Junhui’s most important person. The old Wonwoo would never stay quiet knowing the fact that he was seeing someone. The old Wonwoo would not appear so collected and unbothered seeing him walking hand in hand with a girl.

Somewhere along these days, he realized, his friend had changed into this not quite stranger which he didn’t know what to expect from.

“Well, it worked. You did surprise me,” he said.

“Glad to know then,” said Wonwoo, still fussing with the cake. Though it was clear Wonwoo didn’t sound like he believed what he said.

And he could sense the underlying jealousy in Wonwoo’s statement. It was there, and suddenly he realised that no matter how Wonwoo had changed, Wonwoo was still Wonwoo. He’d just grown up and acted less childish now.

It should be the right opportunity to settle things, Junhui thought. They had never really talked about what had happened that night. He should make it clear to Wonwoo now that there should be nothing more than friendship between them. That one time was a mistake. He had a girlfriend now, it should be easy to clarify to Wonwoo that they were standing on different grounds.

Even though it was one big fat lie and he mentally cringed at the thought of telling Wonwoo that.

He was trying to figure out how to actually do it when Wonwoo spoke up again.

“Are you happy, Junnie?” asked Wonwoo without looking at him.

That caught him off guard. His intelligent response to the simple question was “Huh?”.

Wonwoo turned around to face him and said, “Are you _really_ happy with your life now? Is this what you want?”

“What – what do you mean?”

“I wonder how hard it is, constantly lying to yourself,” said Wonwoo. “I know you’re trying to make yourself believe that this is what you want, but it’s not. Don’t you feel tired, Junnie? And you didn’t even contact me for months. I’m upset, you know. That’s why I came.”

“What? I – No – What are you talking about?”

Wonwoo closed the space between them, reaching out both hands to his face and tilted it to look at Wonwoo’s face.

“I know you better than yourself, Junhui,” he said, his tone not unlike a mother’s fondly reminding her son of something obvious that the child failed to see. “You’re only doing what is expected from you. And you created those expectations. But it’s not what you really want.”

Junhui was speechless. _Since when has Wonwoo become this wise?_ And those eyes were looking through him. He couldn’t make a counterstatement even though he wanted to object to what his friend had said. He wanted to say that yes, of course, this was what he wanted. He wanted to be a normal guy with a normal life. He wanted to do well in his studies and make his parents proud. And in the future, he wanted to build a family and have children and see them grow up and hope that he would live long enough to see his grandchildren grow up too. But he couldn’t. Something in Wonwoo’s eyes prevented his voice from coming out.

Wonwoo leaned even closer, erasing the mere inches between their faces.

“You want me, Junnie. I know it as well as you do,” said Wonwoo before bringing their lips together and Junhui found himself too shocked to resist.

As the kiss grew more passionate, and the touches got more insistent, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to fight back in the first place. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a voice grew louder and louder and he had to admit that _God, he’d missed this_. This closeness, this warmth, this feeling of perfection. He’d missed Wonwoo so much that no matter how adamant he was in trying to ignore it, he couldn’t help but to accept the fact that it was _there_.

He didn’t know how he ended up straddling Wonwoo. Somehow he had pushed Wonwoo down onto the bed, his hands propping his weight as his upper body hovered above Wonwoo. Somewhere along the way, they had gotten rid of their interfering clothing, and _oh_ , he could feel his warm skin against Wonwoo’s colder one and the sensation was marvellous.

Below him, Wonwoo was smiling that deceivingly angelic smile, and beautiful couldn’t even describe how Wonwoo looked.

“Happy birthday, Junnie. Go ahead, take your present.”

He leaned down and made sure he thanked Wonwoo properly. The cake could wait.  
  
They ate the cake in bed after that, managing to finish half of it. It was from Junhui’s favorite bakery, exactly how he liked his cake, with layers of sponge cake and whip cream and chocolate and strawberries on top. Wonwoo really did know him better than himself. They playfully poked each other with cream covered fingers but somehow managed to avoid the sheets from getting stained, though it lost the point, since they already made a mess in Junhui’s bed from their previous activity anyway.

“You messed everything up,” he said without malice, stroking Wonwoo’s hair as Wonwoo rested his head on Junhui’s chest. Junhui never knew he liked cuddling after sex; he never did it with his girlfriend, always going straight to the bathroom after. Now he admitted the excuse of cleaning himself was actually a discreet act of escaping.

“I’m not sorry, Junnie,” Wonwoo said in a droopy, but smug, tone. “You’re as guilty as me here.”

“Now how am I supposed to explain it to her?” he wondered out loud.

“Your girlfriend?” asked Wonwoo.

“Uh-uh.”

“You can take your time. Don’t have to break it off with her first thing tomorrow. Try to find an excuse or something. I don’t like sharing, but I can wait.”

“What? Do you think I can be with her after this?” he said in a mock hurt tone.

He just could not tell Wonwoo how all this time he had always compared her with him. There was no way he could pretend nothing was off after this. Not when he knew what it was like to be still holding Wonwoo afterward.

“Well, suit yourself,” said Wonwoo offhandedly.

He half-heartedly smacked Wonwoo’s back.

“Jeon Wonwoo, you’re a terrible person.”

Wonwoo only snuggled closer to him if it was even possible.

“But you love me anyway.”

He was caught off guard with that last statement. But then a smile bloomed on his lips and he sighed.

“I guess..”

“Stop lying to yourself and just admit it, Junnie. No matter how long it takes and how many girls you’ve been with, you’ll always come back to me.”

He snorted at that.

“I think it’s more like the opposite. _You_ always come to find me.”

He could feel Wonwoo’s smile on his skin as Wonwoo hummed. “I do, don’t I?”

Then there was silence.

  
“I still want to have a family, you know. It’s my greatest dream, to be a father and watch my son grow up,” he told Wonwoo a little later.

They hadn’t moved from their previous position. It was well into dawn and he really thought he should catch some sleep because he had a class at eight in the morning.

Wonwoo was dozing with his shoulder as Wonwoo’s pillow. Hearing, more like feeling him speak, Wonwoo propped himself up to a sitting position next to Junhui, their shoulders touching.

He took Junhui’s hand into his.

“Who says you can’t, Junnie? We’re living in a world where the opportunity is endless, you know,” he said. “Besides, we still have a lot of time to figure it out.”

Yeah, Wonwoo was right. He would also need to find out how to tell his family about this – _them_. But as Wonwoo said, they had plenty of time to figure it out. Should just enjoy what they had for now.

“What’s your greatest dream, Wonwoo?” he found himself asking. They had never talked about what Wonwoo wanted to do in the future. It had always been him telling his friend his dreams.

Wonwoo’s eyes were twinkling as he looked at Junhui, not minding the slightest about the random change of topic. “I want to catch you whenever you fall, Junnie,” he said.

“What if I never fall? I’m going to spread my wings and fly. And never come down,” he said back in a challenging tone.

Wonwoo took a slow breath. The smile was breathtaking.

“I’ll stay on the ground and wait until your wings give out.”

It was the cheesiest line Junhui had ever heard. But he also knew it was no less true.

*  
  
Junhui considered himself really lucky when a few weeks later his girlfriend asked him for a breakup. She told him she found herself not feeling the same way anymore. “The spark isn’t there anymore,” she had said. Junhui didn’t know if it was because of that guy she’d been quite close with lately or because she could sense his actual feeling, or lack thereof. But either way, he put on his most upset but understanding front and they broke up in good fashion. No hard feelings.

He told Wonwoo on the phone and tried to sound as sad as possible, and Wonwoo kindly asked if he needed a shoulder to cry on.

“I don’t know,” he said, still pretending heartbroken. “She was a good girlfriend. She even woke me up every morning.”

“I’m sorry for your lost, Junnie,” said Wonwoo in what obviously sounded like amusement. “I’ll get you an alarm clock tomorrow.”

Junhui found it hard to resist grinning like a maniac as he hung up the call.

He knew he shouldn’t be feeling as happy. But he was, and he tried his best to not show it. He didn’t see Wonwoo much, so he went about his days as usual, just without the presence of his girlfriend. But it didn’t feel wrong, and he most certainly didn’t feel empty. Instead, he felt at peace. And he knew everything would be alright.

Well, for a while, it was.

It was funny how life always had the most bizarre twist at the most unexpected time.

*

It was the first week of August and he just came back to university for another term. His dad had been the one who drove him, as usual. They had their customary talk and the two of them went out for dinner before the older Mr. Wen had to drive back home. Before he left, Mr. Wen looked at his only son and had that fond smile of a proud father on his face while he gently grabbed Junhui’s shoulders and said, “You’re growing up to be a fine man, Junhui. I'm always proud of you, no matter what. Don’t forget that, alright? Always be happy, Son.”

That time, Junhui had this strong urge to go down on his knees and reveal the things going on between him and his best friend, letting his father know that his son was not what he thought he was. Junhui didn’t mind hiding it from the rest of the world, but he felt extremely guilty for hiding it from his dad. He almost blurted it out. But then, looking at that proud smile and trusting eyes of his father, he couldn’t find his voice.

It was for the first time that Junhui felt horrible after parting with his father. He couldn’t brush the feeling off and had been going through his days with that constant dull twinge in his chest.

Two weeks into the term, on a cloudy Monday afternoon, he received the call.

“Junhui,” his mother’s voice said on the phone. It sounded raw with emotion. His mother was crying. “Junhui, your father... Your father had a heart attack. He couldn’t – he couldn’t make it. He is no longer with us, Junhui. He – ”

It was the only thing he could catch because the next flash second his mind was ringing and he couldn’t hear anything from the outside.

His dad was no longer there. He couldn’t make it. His dad was no longer... he was no longer with him. No longer...

Suddenly the dull ache in his chest exploded and burned him from inside out. And his world came apart.

Wen Junhui lost his father when he was twenty. And he didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. He hadn’t even come out to his dad. And he’d lost that chance forever.

During the three days of the funeral, he stayed next to his heartbroken mother by his father’s displayed picture. He didn’t cry, instead he stayed muted and provided comfort for his constantly crying mother. A harsh realization came to him then. He was now the head of the family, since his parents only had one child: him.

Finally, the long and fatiguing process of the funeral ended. He had been putting on his calm façade for three days, not a single display of tears. The night after the burial, Wonwoo found him in his room. They didn’t exchange a single word. Wonwoo just approached the bed, settling himself next to Junhui, and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Only then he let the grief take over and he cried, cried, and cried as if he had an endless supply of tears. He just lost his father, his best friend before Wonwoo, his role model. One of the most important persons in his life. The person he always wanted to make proud. The person that had made him who he was.

It was too much, and he just let the tears flow, hoping they could drown him and make him forget about the pain. But the horrible feeling stayed there, inside him. It was like it had settled down in there and claimed a permanent spot in him, declaring itself a part of his being.

After what felt like forever, exhaustion forced him to eventually stop crying and he gave in to sleep. And he slept through the entire evening to early noon the next day.

Wonwoo held him the entire time.

The morning before he went back to university, Junhui came to visit Wonwoo at his house. It had been months since the last time he was there, he realized as he walked along the entryway. He had a small talk with Wonwoo’s mother, who told him to go straight upstairs to Wonwoo’s room.

“Ah, Junnie. I was about to see you at your place,” said Wonwoo when Junhui entered his room.

“It’s been a long time since I came visit,” he said, feeling too self-conscious of his actual reason to come to Wonwoo instead of waiting for Wonwoo to see him as usual.

Wonwoo sensed his hesitation, turning away from his laptop’s screen and focused his attention to Junhui who was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

“Junnie, is something wrong?” asked Wonwoo, sounding concerned.

Junhui rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He really didn’t know how to do this. Heck, he didn’t even want to do it. But he knew he had to. Even though it was going to break Wonwoo’s heart, he just had to. Well, he’d already broken his own the moment he made the decision. But hurting Wonwoo was the last thing he wanted to do. Unfortunately, there was someone else Junhui didn’t want to hurt. Someone else more important.

He had to choose. And so he did.

“Wonwoo-ah,” he started, already feeling the lump in his throat but trying his best to sound sure. “I think we should stop this.”

There was silence for a few seconds, as Wonwoo looked at him puzzled. But then Wonwoo seemed to understand what he meant, and he got to his feet and walked toward Junhui.

“Why? What’s wrong, Junnie?”

Junhui refused to look at Wonwoo’s face, keeping his head bowed, staring at one particular spot on the floor.

“We can’t do this any longer,” he said, feeling so grateful his voice hadn’t cracked yet. “People are gonna be hurt if they find out. So can we – can we go back to being friends?”

“What? No!” was Wonwoo’s immediate response. And even though Junhui had anticipated Wonwoo’s objection, he hadn’t quite prepared for an outburst, so he reflexively lifted his head at Wonwoo’s rather shrill response. “What the hell are you talking about, Junnie?”

“Wonwoo, I don’t want to hurt your family,” Junhui tried to explain with his most convincing tone. “I don’t want to hurt my mum. How do you think they will feel if they find out?”

“They will understand, Junnie,” said Wonwoo self assuredly. “It might be hard for a while, but they will accept it.”

“No, Wonwoo. They won’t. We’ll break their hearts. My mum, she will be devastated. And you are your parents’ only son! You’re supposed to continue the family line, just like me! How come you think they will be okay with their sons being gay for each other? How am I supposed to face my mum if she knows that her son is sleeping with a man? She just lost my dad, and now I’m the head of the family. Do you understand, Wonwoo-ah? I can’t do this any longer.”

“So you are breaking up with me, Junnie? You haven’t even tried to find out if your mum is okay with it and just decided to break it off with me? Did you think about me for once? How would I feel? Or am I not that important?”

Junhui approached Wonwoo and kneeled down in front of him, taking both Wonwoo’s hands in his. Looking up at Wonwoo’s pleadingly, he said, “You are very important to me, Wonwoo. I don’t want to lose you. But my mum... I’m the only one she has left. And I know what we are doing will break her heart. I can’t hurt her. I just can’t. And you also have to think about your family. Your parents, your sister. We shouldn’t do this to them. That’s why I think it’s best if we go back to being friends.” He forced a smile and squeezed Wonwoo’s hands. “We can still see each other and hang out once in a while. And no one will get hurt.” _Except ourselves_ , he mentally added. “Isn’t that good?”

Wonwoo pulled his hands away from Junhui’s grasp before standing up and putting some distance between them.

“No, Junnie. I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

“Wonwoo.”

“If you think I can go back to being best friends and pretend that this past year never happened, Junnie, you’re mistaken,” said Wonwoo. “I’ve admitted my feelings for you from years ago and I’ve lived with it since. If my parents cannot accept me for who I am then they’re not my parents. Parents are supposed to understand and acknowledge their children no matter what. I understand you for not wanting to hurt your mum, Junnie. But I say we can try to work it out. We never know what will happen before we try. But it seems to me you’re giving up already.”

“No, Wonwoo. You don’t understand.”

“Which part of this matter that I don’t understand, Junnie? You told me you want to break up because you don’t want to hurt your mum. And my family, alright, thank you for caring. But you haven’t even tried to find out if they will accept us. Doesn’t that sound exceptionally similar to giving up?” said Wonwoo accusingly.

“It doesn’t work that way, okay? If we try talking it out with them, and they’re not okay with it, then the damage is done. There’s no way to undo it. Our parents will know and they will get hurt. And I don’t want to hurt my mum!” Junhui grabbed a fistful of hair in his hand, wishing he could pull it off. He was so frustrated and hurt, and he didn’t want to have this argument anymore. “Why can’t you understand?”

“Oh, I understand, alright,” said Wonwoo. “You don’t want to hurt your mum. So you’re hurting me instead. Fine, Junnie. No big deal.”

“I’m hurt too, you know. Don’t act as if you’re the only one hurting!” said Junhui half shouting. He silently hoped Wonwoo’s mum couldn’t hear their argument from downstairs, but he was too hurt to care lowering down his voice.

Wonwoo spun around to face Junhui. The look in his eyes was murderous.

“You choose to hurt yourself. I don’t,” he told Junhui sullenly. “And now I’m making you choose again, Junnie. I told you I can’t go back to being friends. It’s either we stay the way we are or we go separate ways. Standing in between doesn’t work for me.”

“But, Won-”

“If you decide to stay with me, I promise we will find a way to work it out,” said Wonwoo softly, yet determinedly. “But if you choose to break up, then we are strangers. I will pretend that we never know each other.”

“I-”

“Choose, Junnie,” said Wonwoo sternly, now standing with his back facing Junhui. Junhui could slightly see his shoulders shaking, but he told himself there was no way Wonwoo was crying.

“Wonwoo, I’m sorry.”

“Get out.”

“Wonwoo, please...”

“I said get out!”

Junhui didn’t wait a second before he went storming out of Wonwoo’s room and ran down the stairways almost blind with unshed tears and rage. He hastily said goodbye to Wonwoo’s mum and ran out of the house, only to immediately get drenched by the pouring rain. He hadn’t even realized it had been raining. _So appropriate_ , he thought.

And he didn’t bother to hold back his tears as he walked lifelessly in his house’s direction. No one would notice under the rain anyway. He could cry, and nobody would care. He was hurt. And this time, no Wonwoo to make it feel better.

_Dad_ , he called voicelessly as he looked up toward the sky, _I’m doing the right thing, am I?_

  
*  
  
Life after that was, for lack of a better word, difficult. Losing two of one’s most important people in an interval of days and having to go back to real life as if nothing was wrong was far easier said than done. Junhui couldn’t even tell if he was actually living or merely existed.

He always put on his cheerful face. People would always find him smiling or laughing at something someone said. He kept maintaining his grades and being the Wen Junhui that people knew. But inside he felt broken beyond repair. He tried going out on dates, but it didn’t work. Halfway into the date, he would feel so sick of himself that he had to call off the date and apologised the next day. He eventually gave up going on dates altogether.

He called his mum several times every week. It seemed like she was doing a better job at coping than him. Well, his mum only lost a husband, which was hard, but he lost a father, and a lover _and_ best friend at the same time.

A month after his father’s death his mum called telling him that she decided to stay in Shenzhen with her relatives and asking if he was okay with it. He told his mum to go ahead. He knew how lonely it was, living alone in their house, with the memories of his father all over each and every corner. He was glad his mother would be staying with other people that hopefully could help her keep her mind occupied. And he tried to not feel left behind.

He always told his mum he was doing okay. That it got better as time went by.

But the truth was it never got better.  
  
He gave up trying to not think about Wonwoo because it never worked. Keeping it up would only pull him deeper into the pit of his depression. Every night he went to bed tired. And every morning he woke up feeling cursed because he had to repeat the same routine over again. It was an endless cycle. And he was so exhausted that he was afraid at one point he would lose it. But every time he heard his mother’s voice, he got reminded of the reason why he was doing what he was doing. And somehow, he re-gained the strength to carry on, though just barely.

But it came crumbling down on one April morning the next year.

  
*  
  
Winter just ended and Spring was slowly crawling into the year with buds of flowers and tree shoots and warmer weather in tow. Junhui was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing, and he was already sick before the person at the other end of the line finished.

Wonwoo, accident, and hospital all in one sentence sent his mind into havoc and Junhui didn’t even care about looking presentable before he sprang out of his room and rushed to the hospital.

It was an hour later, he was seated outside the operation room with Wonwoo’s parents and sister, and some of Wonwoo’s friends, that Junhui could finally process what was going on. Wonwoo had gone to a birthday party of his friend from university the previous night, and got a ride home with another friend. But on the way, their car slipped and crashed into a truck from the opposite direction. His friend was also injured, but not as bad as him, and was now in one of the rooms upstairs. Wonwoo got four broken ribs, which stuck into his lungs, and now the doctors were trying to help him survive inside the operation room.

Junhui felt like dying. The entire six hours of waiting for the surgery he never stopped praying for whatever entity which held the power up there to please not take Wonwoo away from him. He wouldn’t be able to bear losing Wonwoo like he did his dad.  
  
  
_Please, not Wonwoo too_.  
  
  
  
  
Wonwoo was in a coma for four days and was repeatedly in and out of consciousness for several days afterward. But Junhui was genuinely grateful because Wonwoo _lived_. He came to visit Wonwoo at the hospital every day. He even stayed overnight sometimes, replacing Wonwoo’s weary mother, who had spent her entire time at the hospital since the accident. The first time Wonwoo saw him after regaining consciousness, Wonwoo had looked surprised. Wonwoo couldn’t speak, he was muted for a while due to shock. But the look in those eyes when they first caught sight of Junhui was not unwelcoming. So Junhui stayed by Wonwoo’s bedside practically every time he was not in class for over two months.

During the first month, when it was only the two of them in the room, Junhui would sit by Wonwoo’s bedside and take Wonwoo’s hand in his, then carefully lay his head on Wonwoo’s chest over where Wonwoo’s heart was supposed to be, and stayed there for a while to make sure that Wonwoo was alive because he needed the reassurance. The first two times he cried silently, trying but failing to not let Wonwoo know, because the tears soaked through Wonwoo’s hospital gown.

“Junnie,” Wonwoo’s voice sounded weird when he just, finally, got it back. “No one is dying,” Wonwoo had said.

“You almost did,” Junhui countered half indignantly. “I’m so glad you survived. I felt like I would die too if you did, you know.”

Wonwoo only smiled hearing that. Later, Junhui couldn’t shake off the feeling that Wonwoo’s smile had been different.

  
*  
  
Almost losing Wonwoo, this time literally from the world, Junhui came to the realisation that he wouldn’t be able to take it to be apart from Wonwoo anymore. He needed Wonwoo, he needed him close. And Junhui decided, this time, he was willing to take the risk of his mother and Wonwoo’s family finding out. But first, he needed to talk with Wonwoo. And apologise.

He was about to do exactly that, but Wonwoo also had something to tell him, and he had told Wonwoo to go first.

Wonwoo surprised him by apologising.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Junnie,” said Wonwoo with that different, slightly sad smile of his. “I was selfish. But I get it now, Junnie. What you were trying to tell me. Now I understand.”

“I don’t,” said Junhui, clueless. “What do you mean, Wonwoo?”

“Have you ever heard that before you die, images from your whole life will flash before your eyes and you’ll see the faces of people that are important to you?” asked Wonwoo.

Junhui nodded.

“It happened to me after the accident,” Wonwoo explained. “I thought that time that ‘ah, I’m about to die’. I saw you a lot, because you’re really important to me. But... I also saw my mum, and my dad. I even saw my friends. Jihoon, Soonyoung and the others. And Soonyoung, he was also injured, but he came to my side and held my hand and told me to not lose consciousness and pray with him. I was honestly surprised that I didn’t die. And when I finally regained my consciousness, I saw those people whose faces flashed before my eyes that night, and suddenly realised how much I love them.”

Wonwoo stopped for a while, looking out the window of the hospital room, and Junhui found himself not able to take his eyes off Wonwoo. His heart, somehow, was beating so fast. He had a vague idea what Wonwoo was about to say, but his brain was too numb to actually process everything.

“I feel like I was given a second chance to live,” Wonwoo continued on, “as a better person. Now I understand there are other people that are more important than myself. There’s others’ happiness that matters more than mine. That’s what you were trying to tell me, right, Junnie? I’m sorry I just get it now.”

Wonwoo was looking at him, his eyes shining with tears, and Junhui found his own eyes watering.

“I love you, Junhui. But I also love a lot of other people,” said Wonwoo, and Junhui somehow could hear his already broken heart shattered into tiny little pieces. “This, whatever this thing between us is, Junnie, is not worth breaking those people’s hearts. Those people who love us. I get it now, Junnie. I’m sorry for blaming you on this all this time.”

  
Junhui forced himself to smile even though he was well aware of the tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m glad you finally understand,” he said. “It’s just a shame it took you a car accident, several fractured ribs, four days in a coma, and not being able to speak for two weeks to get it.”

And they both laughed at that. Even though, deep inside, Junhui seriously thought what he had said was not funny at all.

How much more ironic could life get, he wondered. Just when he finally decided to be selfish, Wonwoo chose exactly the same time to start being selfless.

“Wonwoo,” he said when the laughter died down, looking at Wonwoo in the eyes.

Wonwoo still had traces of tears on his face, and his eyes were red. But Junhui figured his face was not any better.

“Yeah, Junnie?”

Junhui got on his feet and reached out both hands to touch Wonwoo’s face.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked. “For the last time.”

Wonwoo was stunned at first. But then he smiled and nodded. “For old time’s sake,” he said softly.

Junhui leaned in and Wonwoo met him halfway.  
  
That day Junhui left the hospital crying. It was a shame this time it was not raining.  
  
He never went back to visit Wonwoo after that. When autumn rolled around, Junhui left Korea and transferred to a photography school in Paris.

  
  
*

*

*  
  
_Ten years later_  
  
  
Junhui walked down the long pathway in between the lining trees at Yeouido Park, feeling pleasantly nostalgic. His dad used to take him to spend their afternoon here when he was little. And during Spring, they had numerously walked along the Yunjung-ro, watching the cherry blossoms.

Finally deciding to go back after ten years studying and working in Paris, he suddenly wanted to visit this place. So he went straight to the park after meeting with his mother at his dad’s grave. He intentionally booked his flight right around Lunar New Year, casually ignoring Joshua's incessant prodding to come back as soon as possible. Oh yes, Joshua was now a professional photographer in Seoul, and quite a successful one at that. He and Junhui had been in contact all these years, and since the previous year, Joshua had offered Junhui to work with him. Junhui had only agreed after his mother called him and asked if he was planning to come back soon.

A small smile curved on his face as he recalled his conversation with his mum before they parted earlier. His mother had been heartbroken when he decided to study abroad, but she somehow understood that her son needed to get away from something, even though Junhui never told her exactly what it was.

“Don’t you want to stay with me longer in Seoul, Mum?” he asked a little sulkily as he walked his mum toward the station.

“Oh, young man, don’t pull that trick on me now,” she said, looking at him fondly. “I told you we are hosting a grand family dinner tomorrow, and I should be there. You are the one who refused to come.”

“I’m sorry, Mum,” he said a little regretfully. “I’m still tired, and I have a lot of things to do to get settled. You know how they are. I won’t be allowed to go back to Seoul before staying for a whole week.”

Her mother smiled at that before nodded. “True,” she said. “But you should visit soon, alright?”

“Will do,” he said. “I’ll bring your future daughter in law too,” he added cheekily.

“Oh, don’t even mention that matter to me. Your aunts and uncles have been asking me repeatedly when will our Junhui get married? When will our Junhui get married? They’re giving me a headache, you know.”

“I’m sorry, Mum,” he ducked his head guiltily. “I’ll find a good girl and get married. Ah, actually, why don’t you choose a girl for me? You can pick a girl that you like. As long as she’s pretty and can feed me with decent food, I’m fine. What do you think?”

He had expected his mum to smile at him in approval. Instead, she was looking at him with what disturbingly looked like half pity and half worry.

“Don’t force yourself, Junhui,” she had said. “I have long figured out that you have no future with a woman.”

“Huh?”

Then his mum reached out a hand to pat him on the cheek lovingly.

“Call it a mother’s intuition,” she told her son without any hint of disapproval. “You should fight for your happiness too, Junhui. Enough with putting everyone else before yourself.”

He was still in a half-dazed state after his mum left him to catch her flight back to Shenzhen.  
  


*

  
Junhui smiled as he picked up his camera, taking pictures of the park that held a lot of memories from his childhood, his mum’s words still clear in his head.

_Too bad it’s a little too late to fight now_ , he mused.

He turned around, stopping on his step to capture the sight of Seoul’s skyscrapers from the park. It was when he suddenly felt something solid bumping onto his legs, half a second before he heard a pained grunt of a child’s.

He turned on his heels and looked down, only to find a small boy, around four or five, had fallen on his butt on the ground. The kid was muttering something inaudible as he rubbed his sore bottom.

Junhui crouched down to level the kid, inspecting any possible damage.

“Are you okay?” he asked, trying to sound as harmless as possible. The boy somehow looked disturbingly familiar, but he couldn’t remember if he had seen him somewhere before.

The boy looked up, big dark eyes staring right through Junhui’s.

“I’m okay,” he said in a small voice as he got back on his feet. Then the boy bowed at him saying, “I’m sorry I bumped into you, Uncle.”

Junhui raised his eyebrows in amusement. Such good manners, he thought. Then the kid surprised him more with looking at him with a thoughtful expression on his face, before asking, “Uncle, did we meet before?”

“Ah, I don’t think so,” answered Junhui. “Why did you ask?”

“I don’t know,” said the boy, tilting his head to the side, and Junhui had this urge to pinch both those cheeks. “I feel like I saw you before.. but I can’t remember.” Then the boy pouted cutely while tapping his chin with one tiny finger, seemingly thinking where he had seen Junhui before.

Junhui found himself fixated by the little boy before him, who disturbingly acted a lot more mature than he should. The boy couldn’t be older than five!

“May I know your name, Kid?” he later found himself asking, almost at the same time when the kid suddenly shouted triumphantly, “I remember now!”

“Eh?”

The boy was now looking at Junhui with twinkling eyes, apparently proud of himself for remembering.

“Pictures!” said the boy. “Daddy has a lot of pictures of you!” Then he turned thoughtful again. “Daddy's friend.. Daddy's friend.. The name is.. The name.. Ah! Uncle Junnie!!”

And Junhui suddenly felt cold. Now he knew why he thought the boy was familiar. Of course, he looked exactly like someone from Junhui’s childhood.

“Uncle Junnie!” The boy was now tugging at his shirt, breaking Junhui’s shocked state.

“Uh. Ah.. I see,” he said unintelligently, struggling to compose himself. It had been ten years, for god’s sake! “And what’s your name?”

“Jeon Mingyu,” the boy said with a big grin.

“Ah.. how old are you, Mingyu?” 

“Four,” answered the boy, showing Junhui four fingers. “Uncle, where have you been? Daddy told me you’re living across the ocean.”

“Eh.. Yes, I was living across the ocean,” Junhui said.

“So why are you here? Oh! Are you coming to see Daddy, finally??”

“Ah.. That.. Mingyu, why are you here in the park alone? Where are your parents?”

A lot of questions were popping up in Junhui’s head, but he tried his best to hold himself from barraging the little boy with questions. He could be mistaken. But no, it couldn’t be. What could explain the fact that the boy knew Junhui’s name from looking at his face, then? And then there was the family name.

“I'm here with Daddy,” said the boy. “And I don’t know where Mum is. Maybe she’s working. Don’t you know she and Daddy split up?”

“Split up?” Junhui found himself repeating the words. How the hell did a four-year-old know the term splitting up, anyway?

“Yes. One day they had an argument, and then Mum took her things and left the house. Now it’s only me and Daddy. But don’t worry, Uncle. Daddy is happy with Mingyu,” said the kid reassuringly. “And now Uncle Junnie is here. Wait until I tell Daddy. Daddy missed you, you know. Well, he never told me out loud, but it’s obvious, you know.”

Okay. This was too much.

“Mingyu, where is your daddy? I will take you to him, alright?”

Part of Junhui’s brain was shouting at him to get away, convincing himself he didn’t want to get involved. Not anymore. But Junhui had never been trained in listening to the logical part of his brain, so it was not the least bit surprising that he decided to stay. Besides, he had missed his friend.

He was about to push himself to his feet when he heard a familiar voice.

“Mingyu!”

“Oops. It’s Daddy.” The boy covered his mouth with his hand guiltily, looking between Junhui and the person behind him.

“Jeon Mingyu, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?” the voice asked in a stern voice.

“It’s not safe,” answered the boy almost mechanically. “But Daddy, Uncle Junnie is not a stranger!”

“Uncle Junnie?”

It sounded half choked.

So Junhui braced himself and stood up before slowly turning around to face the one person he had missed like crazy for these ten years. The face didn’t change much. It looked more mature now, but it was still Wonwoo. His Wonwoo.

And suddenly he felt warm all over. Because those eyes which were now looking at hi intently still had this thing he had always seen in Wonwoo before. This thing that had always been there every time Wonwoo looked at him. It had been ten years, but it hadn’t changed.

Well, neither had him.

His dad’s last words rang inside his head.

“ _I’m always proud of you, no matter what. Always be happy, Son.”_

And hadn’t his mum just told him to ‘stop putting everyone else before himself and fight for his own happiness’?

  
He knew it wouldn’t be that simple. They had ten years between them after all. Ten years, a failed marriage, and a four-year-old son in Wonwoo’s part. But Junhui was fully aware of how the two of them had always been chasing and running back to each other. Even after all these years, they still found their way to each other.

Nothing could guarantee it would turn out the way he wanted. But Junhui was ready to try. Ten years was a long enough running away.  
  
  
  


  
“Junnie?”

Junhui offered his best friend his most disarming smile.

“It’s been a long time, Wonwoo.”

***

_“I’ll always look back as I walk away. This memory will last for eternity. And all of our tears will be lost in the rain when I’ve found my way back to your arms again. But until that day, you know you are the queen of my heart.”  
  
_

-fin  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I hope I didn't really make you cry :)


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